Allison Christy-Johnson

Having Trouble Taking Down A Prize Buck? Maybe, It's Your Bullets.

2011-03-14T12:12:00.000-04:00

You've made your list. You've checked it twice. You're looking for a man not naughty but nice. Yet you still keep picking up losers. I hate to tell you this but, it might be you. So many of us during the list making progress write down men who are 10s on paper go to the work of finding him and only come back with 3s. The problem is we go to the work of deciding to hunt big game and arm ourselves with 22s. Big game needs big bullets.

So ask yourself are you a 22 or a shotgun shell? Yes, I'm telling you to take a look at the gal in the mirror. What do you bring to the table that will make a great man want you? Are you in your best possible shape? Do you make the effort to look your best when you leave the house? Do you keep abreast of current affairs and have good conversational skills? Can you cook? Do you have a life that is interesting without being filled with drama? It's time to take a long hard look at yourself and examine what needs to be changed.

Some of you may ask, "Why can't he love me the way I am?" To those I ask this,"If a man came to you living your exact life, Would you date him?" If you were being honest the answer would be no. Life is about learning and improving so your goal should always be to make yourself better (even after your married). It's no secret that men are visual creatures so you should do what you can to look your best.(Hit a gym. get done up, not for an occasion but because your worth it all the time). No one likes to be bored so try to broaden your conversation to beyond whats going on in just your life. You have no idea how many woman can only talk about themselves and their friends men find it intensely fascinating when you talk about things outside of your bubble. (Read a paper once in a blue). Men love a delicious home cooked meal and see a woman who can cook as good or better than a restaurant as a remarkable asset. (Take a cooking class, watch Food Network and actually try some of the recipes, ask Grandma to teach you how to make her banging macaroni and cheese). In other words work on your product (You) before you market it.

So you're assignment before Hunting Season next week is to make a list of your pros and cons. Next to your Pros write how you plan to accentuate then and next to your Cons write how you plan to change them. Hunting Season starts next week so get to work!! Next week we conclude this series by discussing hunting grounds because too many of us are looking for deer in duck ponds. So until next week.

Peace and Love

Allison Christy-Johnson

Tally Ho!! Hubby Hunting Season Approaches!!!

2011-03-07T14:26:00.001-05:00

First question in your head, "Allison, I know today is your birthday but would you be mad if I got your present late? The iPad 2 won't be released until March 11th!" My answer, "No excuses! Send me a pre-order slip!" OK, now your real first question "WTF is Hubby Hunting Season?". The answer for this one is simple. Most married couples met their spouse between March 21st and September 21st. So that half of the year I like to label "Hunting Season". The reasons these months are optimal are simple.

We are out more. There's more public activities to do which put you in contact with more people.
We make more of an effort to look better. Without the protection of our coats, hats and scarves we only have ourselves to show off.
We are in a better mood due to the increased sunlight. It has been scientifically proven that the "winter blues" isn't just saying. The lack of sunlight during the winter months is actually physically depressing.

The next few weeks we are going to focus on hunting strategies to make this season a success. However what we will be doing is more like fishing then hunting because the goal isn't to catch a man but to be caught by the man of our dreams (guess it's more like fishing but I like the term hubby hunting so I'm sticking to it).

What are you hunting for?

This week we focus on our game. No I don't mean playing games I mean we narrow down what kind of man do we want to end the season with. This may seem like an easy step but this is actually one of the steps that get completely messed up. Either we get way to specific and pick out a specimen that, while can be caught, needs a very expensive lure or bait. Or we go on the other side of the spectrum an look for any man and end the season upset because we have just that ...any man. So this weeks assignment is to make a list of the qualities you want your mate to have and list them in order of importance. Here's a short list to get you started.

Values (his character, integrity, generosity, honesty, spirituality etc...)
Priorities (Where does he spend his time, energy, focus, money...)
Lifestyle (How does he live? How does he want to live? Is he single, separated,divorced? Does he have children?)
Career (What kind of work does he do? You don't have to be super specific unless certain fields call to you)
Finances (Before you say money can't buy you love, Shut Up! I'm not saying be a gold digger but if your an adult and paying your own way he should be able to do the same too. To be honest I recommend you at least look for someone who can pay both of your way just in case the 7lb responsibilities come).
Looks (Be as vague as possible with this one looks are superficial, temporary and have very little bearing on how the kids will turn out. I recommend my clients to just write Cares about their appearance).

Well there are a few points to get you started. Next week we are going to focus on what you bring to the table and making sure you have the best "bait" possible. Until then...

Peace and Love

Allison Christy-Johnson

5 Signs Your Mr. Right May Have A Mrs. Right At Home.

2011-02-28T09:00:00.001-05:00

Last week I talked about how easy it could be to become the "other woman" and about my personal experience dating a married man. I wouldn't trade that experience for anything because during that relationship I learned so much about the dating habits of married men. There are definite signs that at first I didnt see but now when I come across them they are alarms for me to retreat! Here are 5 signs that can signal for you that, while he may be into you, he is married to her.

He rarely makes plans in advance, and when he does he only keeps those plans 50% of the time. This is one of the reasons why I have a soft spot in my heart for the book, "The Rules" . One of the rules is don't accept a Saturday date after Wednesday. This Rule almost makes you married man proof. A married man's schedule isn't just his schedule alone. He has his wife's schedule to think about as well as any children he may have. It's very difficult for him to be able to make plans with you so far in advance without ruffling some feathers at home.
He goes above and beyond to woo you. Yes, I understand every man who wants your attention should go above and beyond. A married man pays close attention to the competition and goes above what they are doing. He's doing it with 2 very clear objectives. 1.) To sleep with you as quickly as possible. 2.) To get you on board with him so you can be available whenever he calls (remember sign 1).
Just when you think of giving him a call, he calls you, texts you, sends you an email, and pokes you on Facebook. In other words he makes sure he is always in control of his communication with you. Many times we are so flattered by the constant attention we can't see it for what it really is. He's making sure you don't call him at the wrong time.
When he's with you he texts, A LOT. I may get some heat for this one but real talk, unless they are at work men don't text other men. Yeah they will send the occasional funny chain text to all their friends or something of that nature. However, When they are with someone that is a potential source for sex they will not spend time texting their boy. They are either texting their wife or another female trying to keep them from actually calling him when he's with you.
He tells you he's married! I know that's not really a sign, but it is something that tons of women ignore. A man will tell you he's married to the she devil and that he's so miserable but he can't leave. All we hear is he's miserable, we ignore the he's married. We think that our love is so good he will see he's meant to be with us. We coddle ourselves with thoughts that she must be horrible for letting him go astray, all the while ignoring the fact that he's a cheat. Real men work on fixing their marriage and when they fail they detach from their marriage. They don't add people and drama to it.

These are some of the best signs in my experience. If you have some leave a comment and share. Each one, Teach one...

Peace and Love

Allison Christy Johnson

Battle Hymn of The "Other" Woman

2011-02-21T09:00:00.002-05:00

She's the adult boogieman. She's that last gulp before every bride says, "I do". She's the reason for cellphone passwords AND the reason for 253 systems for cracking said passwords. She's the "other" woman. She's been called homewrecker, side piece, sideline chick and some names that are rather... unpleasant. She has held a weight too heavy to hold alone and one she never wanted. Today I want to tell her side, because at a time, she was me.

For a moment, I would like you to remove the images of the over sensationalized from daytime talk shows and lifetime movies. The woman that is hunting after you husband to make him her own. In my research of the subject I have found she is so few and far between she practically doesn't exist. Am I saying that men don't leave their wives for their mistresses? No, but when it does happen it was rarely the mistresses' intention. they simply fell in love with someone who wasn't technically in the available for new love category. Let me tell you my story.

After my husband passed I was very new to the dating scene and not having much luck with it. Every man seemed to be playing a negotiation game where they tried to get as much humanly possible from me while putting out the least amount of effort. It was getting bleak and then I met Mike (I changed names to protect the guilty). Mike was the complete opposite of every other man. I never had to wait for a phone call he would call me all the time. He was super attentive. He wasn't trying to rush into bed. He wined and dined and brought "just because" gifts. He was pretty much a girls fantasy. We started getting very close spending tons of time together and things were going great. Then my first warning sign came. Mike called and said I should be "cautious" about answering my phone. He said that his ex girlfriend barged in at his job and somehow got a hold of his phone and got my number out of it. He made it make sense, He was an awesome guy if he broke up with me I would want him back too.

Then one night while he did one of his weekly "Let me take you and your friends out for a night on the town nights" I got that phone call. I saw the strange number on my phone normally I don't answer numbers, I don't know but something told me to answer it.

"Can I speak to Mike please?'

At the time I knew who it was but my heart didn't want to believe it so I went about it like it was an unfortunate misdial.

"I'm sorry I think you have the wrong number." I was just about to push that red button and continue my night without incident.

"Is this Allison?"

"Yes, May I ask who you are?"

"This is is Ava" (yeah, I changed her name too)

"I'm sorry I don't know any Ava" (Mike never gave up her name and I never asked)

"I'm Mike's wife"

My heart sank I glanced at him standing at the bar buying our next round of drinks. I couldn't believe it. it wasn't possible. Where has she been? I was spending just about every night at his place. Where the hell was she?!?

"Hello, Hello?"

"Um, Yes sorry it's kind of loud in here did you say his wife?"

"Yes I'm his wife is he with you?"

"If you're his wife where have you been? I've been with him just about every night!" (I decide to trust him and think this was some ex trying to cause drama)

"I've been at our home in NY! I take it by your area code that you're in CT he stays at his brother's house when he's working there but me and his child are here!"

"He has a child?"

"Yes, and we decided to surprise him and stop by with dinner. When he wasn't home I called him, he won't answer so I thought to call you. Is he with you?"

At this time I'm fuming I don't know what to believe. So decided to go to the easiest way to get the answer. I walked up to him and said the phone was for him. I held the phone out to him he looked down recognized the number and walked away.

"He walked away I'll tell him to call you. Goodbye"

I tried to ask him what was going on and he stuck to his story. I didn't feel very festive so I just wanted to go home. Then I thought about it I needed answers.

"I left a pair of earrings at your house last night could we stop by and get them? I want to wear them tomorrow."

He didn't know that she told me she was at his house. We pulled up and almost immediately you heard her. She was at first yelling at him for not answering the phone and then she glanced over at me.

"Who's this Mike?"

"This is Allison, My brothers girlfriend"

HIS BROTHERS WHAT?!?

"Too late she already told me who she was!"

They commenced to arguing and I just stood there in shock. I fell for a lie. I didn't want to be there. I never thought I could be so foolish. I just wanted to disappear after a few seconds that felt like years I regained my composure and remembered I had a friend that lived around the corner. In the heat of their arguing they didn't notice me walking away. Later on after a few drinks and a long cry session with my girl I got a text.

I'm sorry I meant to tell you. The time was just never right. It's not what you think I'll call you tomorrow I love you.

The next day I never got that phone call, or the day after that. Two months after that and nothing. Then one night I was out with my girl doing the "after work flirt" and he walked in. I though I was over it but the moment my eyes met his my heart skipped so many beats I almost dialed 91 and kept my finger on the button for the last 1. I wanted to leave I didn't want him to come over I didn't want to hear his voice. The truth was I still missed him. I missed his scent. I missed the way it felt to be in his arms. I missed his kiss and I didn't want to remember any of it. As I was pulling off I got a text message.

It was good to see you even from across a room. I miss you and I still love you.

I didn't need to see that I needed to think of him as a monster. I needed him to be anything but the man I fell for. Then the barrage happened he would text me constantly and call all the time but I just couldn't bring myself to answer the phone then one time he caught me off guard. Side note calling at 6am is unfair.

"Good Morning, Luv!"

"Morning... say whatever it is you feel you have to say because this is the last time I'm going to speak to you."

And he pulled out the whole "I'm unhappy, I only am with her for our child, I want to leave her but I cant etc..." He apologized over and over. When he was done I accepted his apology and then told him have a nice life.

Chapter closed, or so I thought. Then the gifts started rolling in. Flowers, candy, jewelry basically if it could be delivered he sent it. Then one afternoon he invited me to lunch as "just friends" and I accepted thinking "It's just lunch nothing can happen during lunch." It was just that a pleasant lunch we didn't talk about us, just work and random small talk. Then the next week we went to lunch again this time the talk became a little more personal and the glances lasted a little longer. We continued our weekly lunch date for about a month until one fateful lunch that was ordered by room service. I knew it was wrong but I told myself things like, "She couldn't be treating him right cause he's always with me or calling me" He wasn't making it any harder to believe he would always have stories of how if he didn't have a child with her he would leave and how he wish he met me first. We continued to see each other ... OFTEN. We were never really secretive about anything. I knew all his friends, he introduced me to his family it became easier and easier to ignore the fact that he was married. When we did talk about his marriage I would actually give him advice. In a way I would have been happy if he could work things out at home. I truly just wanted him to be happy and if that wasn't with me so be it.

Then he invited me on a vacation with him and his siblings. I invited one of my friends and we all had a blast. When we came home it was time for reality. His sister put some of the pictures up on her MySpace page (lol when MySpace was still relevant). In the pictures of us together he couldn't say I was with his brother. His wife saw them and confronted him. He told her the truth and she left him. During his divorce he kept going on about how he was glad it was over and how we could be together. So we gave "us" a try. All of my friends said it was a bad idea but I loved him and I was "going with my heart". Things went good for a few months then the he started to get late night phone calls all the time. All of a sudden he had all of these "friends". One of those friends decided to call the house according to her me and him were roommates and nothing else. I packed up all his things and put them and sent him a text

Your "friend" Kesha called maybe she needs a roommate but I don't! I'll be dropping your things at your brother house

He called, he texted and he sent gifts. I changed my number but I kept the gifts (I still like free stuff). He would park his car in front of my house and I would ignore him until one day I had enough. I handed him a note that simply said,

The last thing the world needs is another black man with legal troubles. I would hate to get the authorities involved but, if this harassment continues, I will have no choice.

That was our last interaction. Occasionally, I see him when I'm out but it's usually a wave and we keep it movin. I can say in hindsight I wouldn't have done it but like they say hindsight is 20/20.Was he the only married man I was involved with? No, there were 2 others after him but because of the signs I learned from him I was able to see it before things got too deep. Even the best players give off subtle clues that tell the whole story and next week we are going to go deeper into those signs so my story won't be your story...

Until next week,

Peace and Love

If you are over 25 you shouldn't be called a boy/girl anything! (The Timeline)

2011-02-14T09:00:00.000-05:00

Disclaimer: The purpose of this post is to give advice to those 25yrs old and over who are looking to get married in the near future. If you are not looking to get married and are enjoying the single life (I, for one am in this category) this post does not apply to you. While I stated that this is advice I did not just shoot this out my bum. This has come from years of observing relationships and is a combination of recurring factors that I have seen in relationships where both parties were 25+. However it’s only advice do with it what you will…

So What is the Timeline?

To put it simply 3 years to one ring and up to 5 years for two. Basically you have 3 years from the time you start dating to get engaged and up to 5 years (depending on what type of wedding you want) to get married. PERIOD! Before anyone goes into “Why the rush?” or any similar questions let me just say this 3 years is in no way shape or form a rush for someone over 25. At this age you should have developed enough skill to be able to sum up what a person is like and how you feel about them. In three years, you will have experienced at least a dozen “special days” (Birthdays, Valentine’s, Christmases, New Year’s, and whatever other days are special to you). This goes without saying but I’m going to say it anyway NOONE is promised the next 10 years but a lot of times we conduct our relationships like we have all the time in the world well, unless you secretly became a vampire you don’t! Trust me with few rules and guidelines the timeline gives you plenty of time to be sure about someone, If it’s conducted right…

The First 6-12 months :Stage 1 (Getting to know you)

You know how everyone says “It’s so hard to meet a good man/woman? Well it’s close to impossible to meet them inside your own home (however I do know one woman who men her husband when he came to fix her cable but unless you are breaking cable boxes once a week don’t bank on her story being your story). In other words GET OUT OF THE HOUSE! Shake things up, Remember that triathlon you always wanted to do? Well get out and train for it. That cooking class that looked kinda fun? Take it! In other words, make the time to get out and do something a priority. Shake things up! If you have been going to the same singles club every weekend for years and all you see are the same faces that is not where you need to be so stop wasting time there.
So you changed up a few things and met a few new people and now you’re knee deep in the dating scene. Now, you are in what I like to call the getting to know you phase. Do just that, now is when you get to know the people you are dating. How do they feel about about kids? What are their career goals? What kind of relationship do they have with their family? This is also where tell them that you are looking to get married. YES, now is when you tell them! No, I don’t expect you to say “I want to be engaged in 3 years” on the first date, but at some point in the first 3 months you do need to tell them that marriage is important to you and why. Now I know that a lifelong relationship with someone you love that fulfills and nurtures your mind, body and soul is its own reward but I can think of 3 more practical reasons that marriage can be important to someone and now seems like just as good a time as ever to introduce Rule #1…
Rule #1: NO SHACKING UP, MAKING BABIES, OR PAYING BILLS TILL YOU’RE MARRIED!
The 3 most compelling practical reasons for getting married are cohabitation, procreation and financial security. So it stands to reason if you are given these benefits outside of marriage it chips away at someone’s motivation to get married. There is no justification in my eyes to break these rules. Look if you can’t live on your own by yourself work on that first before you think about marriage. You will be in a better place and attract more people.You can have the same address when you have the same last name. By the time you are 25+ you know enough about birth control that you can adequately protect yourself from pregnancy, and don’t start talking about how you already have kids. So do I and most of the single people I know over 25, that’s the past and it can’t be changed I’m talking about what you’re doing from now on. Finally It’s ok every now and then to help someone you care about financially but paying their car note on a monthly basis is a no-no. If they want to be financially dependent on you they can marry you.
As the people you are dating are opening themselves up to you it is your job to REALLY listen and be observant. So many people go into this phase the wrong way they only hear the things they like and don’t listen and see the whole package. It’s like judging a movie by the trailer alone. Sorry but too many of us have seen crappy movies with great trailers. Look at the whole picture then decide. Here’s a piece of advice and Rule #2…

Rule #2: WHEN YOU ARE DATING SOMEONE YOU ARE DATING THEM IN AS-IS CONDITION YOU CAN’T CHANGE THEM, STOP TRYING!

Yes we all know, He has the body of an Adonis but having a conversation with him is worse than having all of your teeth pulled, at the same time, with no anesthesia… Don’t waste your time compiling a reading list to get him cultured he is what he is. She’s got a booty that won’t quit and makes her own dough but she can’t cook, the only thing she is interested in making is reservations and you love a home cooked meal, have all the Food Network date nights in you want the only thing she is cooking is Corn Flakes! Don’t waste your time investing in someone you feel isn't done. If you need to change them they are not the one, Move on!
Another aspect of this getting to know you phase is let the people get to know the REAL you! We all like to make a good first impression but, if you are portraying an image of someone that isn't your genuine self , you're wasting time. Don’t wait until someone is energetically invested (we will discuss this later) in you to then show them how you really conduct yourself.
Above all else, you are dating and at this point you should be dating as many people as possible. Open your horizons and get to know fully what’s out there.

The Second Year: Stage 2 (Letting nature take its course)

This is actually the easiest stage in the timeline, However this is where most people completely mess it up. You’re dating a few people and one is beginning to stand out from the rest. You start to think it would be nice to couple up, start a relationship or “go together”. Time to introduce the title of this post and Rule #3…

RULE #3: IF YOU ARE OVER 25 YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS BEING A BOY/GIRL ANYTHING TO ANYBODY!

Do you know what marriage is? A life long monogamous commitment , in other words you will have the rest of your life to be monogamous why rush it? Boy/Girlfriend relationships have their place, its called adolescence. At that time you're developing into adulthood and learning how to conduct and maintain relationships. Like everything done in your adolescence it’s best done with a form of structure. So at that age it’s recommended to have some guidelines in your relationships to fully understand monogamy. However, you are now old enough and you have had plenty of practice. You don’t need to play house anymore. Which leads me to Rule#4…

RULE #4: MONOGAMY COMES WITH JEWELRY !

When you are engaged you're together monogamously until then you're free to do what you want and so are they. You don’t need to have them all to yourself until you are sure they are the one for you and vice-versa. Right now your only job is to keep dating and enjoy yourself. Too many singles make the mistake of, as soon as someone begins to stand out , dismiss everyone else. Don’t do that ! Think of it like a sporting event. If a team takes a lead in the beginning of the game, do they call the game over? NO, and neither should you. Don’t start having “Where is this going?” conversations. If you were honest about how you felt about marriage and really listened to how your dates felt about marriage, you are only seeing people who are looking for marriage as well so if it’s meant to happen it will.

The Last Year: Stage 3 (Where did everybody go?)

So you’ve been at it for a couple of years and the pools of people you are dating has gotten much smaller. Don’t worry this is where we learn about energetic commitment. When your dating someone that you have a connection with on a steady basis you begin to focus your energy towards that person. It’s not something that has to be stated but it is something that is felt, and the other people you are dating will feel that and focus their energy somewhere else. Technically you may be in a monogamous relationship but don't be fooled into getting comfortable (reread Rule #4). The person you are dating may not be there yet and there is nothing wrong with that.However, while it would be rude and insensitive to flaunt the fact that you’re dating other people, please be mindful of Rule#5…
RULE# 5: BE HONEST ABOUT THE FACT THAT YOU ARE DATING OTHER PEOPLE AND ACCEPTING OF THE FACT THAT THEY ARE TOO!!!
It can happen for several reasons. Maybe the people they are dating are more stubborn about seeing the writing on the wall than the people you were dating, maybe they still have a few hang ups from past relationships. Whatever the reason if things have been going well and you feel a genuine connection you are close to the final stretch.
Now you may have noticed I have not mentioned anything about sex. That’s because the decision to have sex with someone is a personal one and can only be made by you in a situation you feel comfortable with. No, I do not buy into the idea of using sex as a relationship bargaining chip. You are an adult and have by now figured what you are and are not down with. You can have sex at any of these stages as long as you are responsible and honest. That being said if you are only comfortable with sex inside of a monogamous relationship, refer to Rule# 4.
This is also the point where you can be slightly more proactive in moving the relationship in the right direction. Most of the time there really isn't any work necessary but in a few rare cases dropping a SUBTLE hint is all that’s needed to get the ball really rolling. Maybe let them know that a proposal may be in the near future or hint that if you were purposed to you would reply favorably.

They liked it so they went and put a ring on it. NOW WHAT?!?

Continue to love, enjoy and value each other and PLAN YOUR WEDDING! An engagement is time designated for you to plan your wedding and life together it is not a time for you to relax kick back and wait a few years. You have 2 years from this point to get married and don’t give me that “we need more than 2 yrs to save up” excuse. If it takes you more than 2 years to save for a wedding than that’s not your wedding that’s Someonewhohasmoremoneythanyou’s wedding. So many couples set themselves up for marital failure by getting caught up in the way there wedding “has to be”. Remember that whole “lifelong relationship with someone you love that fulfills and nurtures your mind, body and soul” thing? That’s your goal and no dress, cake, or handful of envious friends will ever compare to that. Don’t start your marriage off in debt because you wanted to have a “Dream Day”. Last time I checked financial strain is still the #1 reason for divorce. Use your wedding as an opportunity for you and your spouse-to-be to work on saving and planning for big events within your means. That is a gift that will last you both longer than any wedding will. If a dream wedding is that super important to you I suggest you start saving for it by yourself in Stage 1.

Well that’s about it I wish you well in your dating endeavors and if my advice leads to your nuptials in the near future I want an invite or at least a shout out at your reception…
PEACE

Title: Yes I Have My Own But, I Like Yours Better or I Ain't That Damn "Fancy"

2011-02-07T09:00:00.071-05:00

I was at a bar recently with some friends and a "gentleman" (I use that term VERY loosely) came over and offered to buy me a drink. I declined the offer and continued to converse with my friends believing our interaction was complete.

He then says, "Oh you're fancy I like that!"

Perplexed by his comment I say, "Excuse me?"

He then says, " You're one of those Ms. Independent chicks, You don't need a man to carry you. I like that cause I'm not looking to be anyone's Sugar Daddy!"

Insert my Blank Stare.

Maybe I have been under a rock when the rule change happened but last I remembered,

Paying my bills is carrying me.
Buying my car is carrying me.
Paying my mortgage is carrying me.

Buying me a 6 dollar drink at a bar is at best a friendly gesture of interest and my declination of said interest was the polite way of saying, "Get Lost!" However, thanks to songs like Ne-Yo's Ms. Independent and Drake's Fancy it now just means I have money to pay for my drink. This does not sit well with me!

Let me take you back to a time where the system was functional. A group of women would be at a bar and a man would offer to buy a woman a drink and sometimes the entire group a drink to get ones attention. Many times this was done from a remote spot so that the man wouldn't be intruding on the group. He would wait for a friendly gesture and then he would approach and introduce himself. However, if no friendly gesture was given or the drink was declined he would move on, No harm no foul.

Now you may ask, "Why would a man risk his money when there was no guarantee of success?"

Let's look at this closer. The gesture is quite a small one (and to any of my male readers who feels that the price of 1-4 drinks is too costly you might be better off spending your time acquiring a better job instead of wasting it at the club). Another benefit of the gesture is it serves as a very tiny example of the fact that you can provide. I know I'm now starting to curse but originally men were providers and throughout history the courting process was started by men showing they made good hunters, gatherers and providers. The act of buying a female a drink was a man's way of saying "I think you are rather attractive and I would like to provide you with refreshment."

Yes, I understand that women are making more money than we ever have and we can easily purchase our own drinks. When I left the house my plan was to purchase my own drinks however, if someone who looked interesting offered I would accept the offer. The problem was this "gentleman" who offered was someone I was not interested in and now a polite declination was mute. So what was I to do? If I told him to, "Get Lost!" I'm now a "Bitch". Instead, me and my entire group had to move to another side of the bar to get away from him. The night went well, but a funny thing happened at one of my trips to the bar (to buy my own drink) the same "gentleman" approached me and asked me to buy him a drink!!! People, we gotta do better!

The Cheat and the Truly Unhappy

2011-01-31T09:00:00.008-05:00

There is a story in the R&B world about a certain artist leaving his wife for another artist (I’m not really going to get into the who because I believe they have been talked about enough and they are not really the point…) Me and a friend were having a conversation about this couple and I was defending the female in this situation. Then she brought up something I said in the past “A cheater will pursue anyone who is willing” and then she went on to say,“so doesn’t she have to take responsibility for being willing?” I find more people are willing to vilify the other woman for being a “Homewrecker” and that title is one that has annoyed me for years. We have all seen a talk show or movie about the evil seductress who goes after married men, But let’s take some of the sensationalism out of it and be real. These women aren’t going after married men to for their love they do it for their MONEY. The commodity that these women have isn’t beauty or sexual prowess but discretion and secrecy. If these men were to leave their wives the value of that commodity goes down DRAMATICALLY! The happier and more secure the man’s marriage seems (at least on the surface) the more this mistress can demand for her commodity. If you have ever seen these women in action you would see that they go out of their way, sometimes acting as sounding boards or indirect mediators, to keep their married men just that…MARRIED. It makes sense business wise, if these men left their wives the mistress is now stuck with a man who has proven to be unfaithful. Even worse she now has to deal with him on a 24/7 basis which completely blocks her from dating other married men, which also decreases her profits (again it’s just business). The real truth is the Big Bad Homewrecker Boogieman who’s looking to steal your husband and make him her own just doesn’t exist. The real threat is the women so desperate for love that she will take it wherever she can find it…(I will talk about her another time I feel I have already veered slightly off topic).

So taking the “Homewrecker” prey out of the equation. I believe there are 2 types of men that are unfaithful in their marriages, The Cheat and The Truly Unhappy. You may notice I am only talking about male adulterers that is because female infidelity, at least in this society, is a non-issue . Female adulterers are practically celebrated (they rarely leave their families and if they are caught they shed a few tears and become helpless victims in a loveless marriage just craving some affection).So for now I am only addressing male infidelity.

Let’s start with The Cheat… The Cheat can be somewhat defined as an altered version of the Alpha Male. The Cheat enjoys the thrill of the chase and the victory of the conquest. Slightly predatory in nature The Cheat actively seeks partners and will pursue anyone who he perceives to be willing. The new woman is their favorite drug, but to their defense the women who marry these men usually have tons of warning. The Cheat usually has a long history of cheating that go way before marriage many of these women know about their history. However they comfort themselves with thoughts like “Well, those weren’t REAL WOMEN” or “He is playing now but he will change once we’re married”. Hate to say it but in more cases than not The Cheat is a permanent condition and my only problem with The Cheat is the dishonesty. If The Cheat was honest with himself and his partners he may find partners who are accepting of his non monogamous lifestyle. However our society tends to have a problem when you don’t fit into the mold and hence The Cheat is created.

The Truly Unhappy is a different story this is usually some who, let’s face it, married the wrong person (and at many times for the wrong reason). Like The Cheat, The Truly Unhappy will grasp at anyone he perceives to be willing. The Truly Unhappy can become that way for many reasons, communication breakdowns with their spouse, lack of emotional or sexual connection, the everyday stresses that take a toll on any relationship etc.. However there is a subgroup in this group that is a hybrid of The Truly Unhappy and The Cheat…The Serial Monogamist. The Serial Monogamist loves the thrill of the chase and usually (at least in their mind) they fall in love with their prey and can’t wait to settle down however once the prey is no longer new they lose interest and become The Truly Unhappy and start the cycle over again…

You see the one major difference between The Cheat and The Truly Unhappy is that while The Cheat may commit adultery multiple times The Cheat is generally happy in his marriage and has no plans on leaving his spouse. The Truly Unhappy however will, and usually for the first or second person they are unfaithful with. Either way they are 2 different facets of infidelity that I feel could be changed if our society were more willing to have an open, honest dialogue about sex and relationships The Cheat would feel comfortable telling future partners that he doesn’t feel he’s monogamous without being called a Dog or Player. The Truly Unhappy would be able to tell his future spouse that maybe they aren't meant to be without be screamed at for “wasting her time”. It just seems to me that a lot of the problems that lead to infidelity start long before the actual action, many times even before the marriage. So who is worse The Cheat or The Truly Unhappy? I don’t believe either to be bad just….Misunderstood.

Am I a racist? If I am, are you one too?

2011-01-24T09:00:00.013-05:00

My confession : I have never dated outside my race. let me explain a bit. First I’ve never been a big dater I met my husband when I was still in high school, got married a few years later and have been happily married until his passing four years ago. Since then I have only seriously dated two people (one an ex from back in the day and the other a friend that I still casually date). So a lot of the reason I’ve remained exclusive to my race has been due to lack of time in the dating scene. Recently I was having a conversation with a very close friend who is a beautiful black woman still waiting for her perfect black man. My only question is in this day and age is it like fighting a losing battle to limit yourself by looking for a black man? When you look at it more black women are becoming educated and successful. Like women from any race we would like to share our lives with a man that has just as much to bring to the table that we bring. However when you look at it, the amount of black men in that pool is VERY limited due to several factors (now before I make this list I am very aware that these things are a factor with any race, but to be honest they affect or community in a very profound way).

Incarceration (There is a very sad joke that pretty much says the easiest place to find a single black man is in lockup).

Having an occupation that will lead to incarceration (lets face it being black isn’t the reason they got locked up).

Uneducated or Undereducated (I’m being honest not saying a man has to have a PhD but most women want a man they can talk to about things relevant to them).

Unemployed or Underemployed (Again I’m being honest we all know there are exceptions to the rule but if you don’t want to carry me why would I want to carry you).

Having a House In Virginia (and I don’t mean real estate) lets face it blacks currently have the highest growing rate of HIV.

Addicted to something other than my love (nuff said).

He is NOT looking for his perfect BLACK woman.

He’s too busy looking for HIS perfect black man (publicly or privately which is one of the reasons why that HIV rate is climbing.

I didn’t even begin to talk about the issues that affect women of any race (baggage from old relationships, inability to commit, lack of a compatible personality, or just plain unattractive, told you I’m going to be honest). Are we as black women robbing ourselves of the opportunity to be happy with someone by limiting ourselves to one race? Let’s face it black men have been exercising their options for decades. I would lose count of how many black women who, like me, have only dated black men yet I only know one black man who has maintained the same racial exclusivity. Now, until recently I never thought myself to be looking for a black man just a good man. The other day I was at the grocery store and a pretty friendly (or so at the time I thought he was just being friendly) white man started a conversation with me and continued the conversation until I made it to the checkout at which time he asked me for my number. A normal course of action however it threw me completely off for some reason it never hit me that this man was hitting on me. I know some of my friends are going to say that I’m normally dense when it comes to relationship issues I’m the type of person that you have to be very direct with (heck my husband had to purpose to me 3 times before I realized he was serious) But please believe if a black man looks at me two times for more than two seconds my radar goes off. In hindsight I’m beginning to realize I get hit on by men of different races on a fairly regular basis yet I never seem to get it. Is it that I’m dismissing them from the jump because they aren’t black men? It’s not that I don’t find men of other races attractive I know quite a few single men that aren’t black that I would consider good looking but I have never pondered the idea of dating them. So tell me am I a racist? Are you in the same boat with me? Either way I got to get this radar worked on.

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Coming soon

2011-01-23T14:21:00.001-05:00